Welcome to the Monday Mailbag on Tuesday, where at the time of this posting the list of top terms people use to arrive at Macleans.ca via search engines – a list that is usually dominated by the names Paul Wells, Andrew Coyne and Kady O’Malley – stands as follows:
I know this is your opportunity to ask me questions, but I have to inquire: What is the deal with you people? You realize there are other pretty ladies on the Internet, right? If you go look right now you might even catch some of them before they put their tops back on. Alternately, one must ask the question: how many different ISPs can Peter MacKay have at his disposal?
On to the mailbag. As ever, these are actual questions actually submitted by actual readers.
Dear Mr. Feschuk: What “Lord of the Rings” character is Iggy most like? Gandalf — with the you-know-what’s? Aragorn — steely gaze, noble background, arrives from abroad, destiny, etc.? Boromir — tempted by the Ring? – Jack Mitchell, Toronto
Dear Jack –
Come on, Jack. What a ridiculous question. This is the Leader of Her Majesty’s Official Opposition we’re talking about. You don’t go comparing the Leader of Her Majesty’s Official Opposition to some fictional midgets with hairy feet – not until 2011 when Jim Flaherty has the job, anyway. And you don’t compare him to wizards or elves or dwarves. Especially when it’s totally obvious that he’s much more like Sam the Eagle from The Muppet Show.
Granted, Michael is not quite as conservative as Sam, but he does share a number of the eagle’s characteristics.
He constantly feels underappreciated, he’s prone to delivering long lectures, and his eyebrows are most efficiently trimmed with a riding mower.
Even many of Sam’s most memorable quotes could have come from the mouth of Ignatieff himself, including his signature line, “I don’t want to see this foolishness!” and his heartfelt declaration, “It’s times like this I’m proud to be an American.”
But if we must liken the new Liberal leader to a character from the Lord of the Rings, I’d have to go with this one:
Skeptical?
Remember the motto of Treebeard and the Ents:
“We never say anything unless it is worth taking a long time to say.”
Dear Scott: I’m no investigative
http://www.jongvel.org/parajumpers/ journalist but I think I’ve stumbled onto a big scoop: I think Michael Ignatieff’s eyebrows have gone rogue. Or at least one of them has. When he’s talking it always seems like one of his eyebrows (his right one – the one on the left when you’re watching him on TV) is moving all over the place, acting all unstable, while the other one is remaining calm and staying in place. Is this rogue eyebrow trying to tell us something? – Dan L.
Dear Dan –
No, of course not. It’s not trying to
Parajumpers salg tell us anything. It is merely trying to escape.
For you see, Dan, the eyebrows of Michael Ignatieff are large and magnificent enough to be sentient beings in their own right. I won’t bore you with the science of it all. Suffice to say that his eyebrows are just like you and me – they feel, they dream, they long for a mate (alas, it was an enjoyable summertime fling but things just didn’t work out with Lawrence MacAulay’s combover.)
But Michael Ignatieff’s brow ridge holds, in addition to approximately a pound and a half of thick, tangled hair, a terrible secret: his eyebrows came into this world at the same time, sharing the same origins, but one of them – the one on our left – is… the evil twin! (You can tell it’s the evil one because if you look very, very closely, you can see that the left eyebrow has its own tiny goatee – the universal hallmark of the evil twin.)
We know the story of Michael Ignatieff the academic. We know the story of Michael Ignatieff the politician. And now you know the story of Michael Ignatieff the hero. By being vigilant, by striving to foil the escape attempts of his evil eyebrow, by keeping his evil eyebrow upon his face at Great Personal Cost,? Michael Ignatieff is protect
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